Last of Us - Save You

Friends Only

This journal is friends only, for the most part. My life is somewhat insane, but I am always happy to make new friends! If you can deal with me rambling about my daily life, gushing about fandom, (sometimes) being mushy when talking about my husband, and me making the occasional angry rant, feel free to either comment on this entry or PM me.

I am an overall nice person--sometimes too nice for my own good. Sometimes, I will let people walk all over me in order to avoid hurting their feelings. Lately, though, I've been more prone to speaking my mind when I'm hurt, and that apparently makes some people angry for reasons I can't understand. If you don't think you can deal with me standing up for myself, kindly refrain from adding me as a friend. I don't want anyone fussing at me for choosing to rant in my own journal, or for getting upset when I have every right to be.

In other words: I'll be nice to you if you be nice to me. ^________^

This Layout features Joel and Ellie from the PS3 game The Last of Us. Coding from scholarslayouts, editing done by myself.
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KH2 - Looked Everywhere

Lots of Wedding Pictures, Part One

These are not all of my wedding pictures, but these were the best ones. Z did several different versions of the same pictures, just to give me different color options, etc. These were all on the first disc, and I'm just guessing these are the best because she did so many different versions. XD The ones on the other nine discs... well, I will go through those at some point and post some of my favorites from those here as well. For now, have these. Warning, though, these posts will not be dial-up friendly. There are 718 pictures total. If you don't want to look at them all, please feel free to scroll on down until you find something different (in other words, you don't have to look at all of those different versions if you don't want to).

Leaving this public just in case any friends from work would like to have a look. ^_^

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Last of Us - Save You

Probably Won't be Here Much Anymore

I probably won't update this journal much if at all anymore. Probably won't update my fic journal either. I'm not deleting this account simply because there are fics in my memories that I want to be able to go back to if I would like to re-read them. Livejournal is, sadly, no longer much of a home for me.

If you would like, please feel free to contact me via email at Also, you can find me at,,, and on Twitter as kagomeangel.

Have a good one.
Last of Us - Save You

America The Ugly (But Don't Overlook its Beauty and Don't Overlook the Ugliness in Your Own Country)

I've been seeing a lot of hate directed towards America and Americans on my dash lately, and I guess it kind of bugs me. Now, every single person out there is entitled to his or her own opinion, and if you hate America, then you hate America. I just hate feeling like I am somehow being stereotyped when I read those posts and entries full of hate geared towards America. I know I should not take it personally, and most of the time, I don't... because I know these people who spew hate don't know me, or what I am like, or how open-minded I actually am.

Also, yes, I am well-educated in the art of satire, and those sorts of posts/entries are not what I am talking about.

It especially saddens me to see such hatred for the American military--not only because my husband is a member of it, as well as my sister-in-law and so was my brother-in-law and my father-in-law before them (and his father)... not to mention the fact that my own very-loved Daddy was wounded in the Vietnam war. He could have died back then, and I wouldn't have even been here to type this. Hatred for the military (and not just the American one) saddens me because these are men and women who put their lives on the line not to brutally murder other people (and if you join the military with the idea to do this, you are beyond horrible), but to protect us. Jeremy has explained it to me like this: "My job is to protect and defend the weak, not just in my own country, but in other countries as well." And how can anyone hate a person who goes into a job with this mindset? As a nurse, I help people, and I know that individuals in the military look at it in the same manner. At least the good individuals do.

Moving on....

America is a country full of individuals of different races, creeds, etc. The vast majority of us have some roots in England or Germany or Italy or France... the possibilities are endless, really. Have a seat. Go to and trace your family trees. I myself am proud to say that there is English, German, and even Indian blood in my veins.

I feel like sometimes, when I introduce myself to someone new online (or wherever) who isn't American, I am thought of in a negative light because of my nationality... which just isn't fair at all. Like I get the classic nose-wrinkle and an, "Oh, you're American." And maybe that's just all in my head. I honestly hope it is, because you know what? I don't have a problem with immigration. What I have a problem with are people who are too lazy to get out and make a living for themselves and their families and would rather in essence steal someone else's money than make an honest living. Guess what? There are American citizens who do this very thing. There are some people whom I know have immigrated to America and worked their butts off to make a living, and I commend those people and have no problem with them whatsoever. On the other hand, there are some immigrants who have made it to America, and looked at the horrible examples that some Americans have provided, and have figured, "Well, while in Rome," (so to speak, of course).

I bet you thought I was going to go on some tirade about how the Mexicans or the Indians or the Chinese are invading America and what-not, right? Wrong. Do you know why? Because I have no problem with people who immigrate elsewhere looking for a better life. My only problem is with freeloaders, and America is full of those anyway. For goodness' sakes, wherever you live, wherever you move to, please make a living for yourself and yours. I can honestly say immigration does not bother me because us Americans? Our own families immigrated to America from somewhere else.

You know what else? I did not bear arms against the Native Americans, nor did I bring the pestilence that killed off many of their numbers. I did not order them to walk The Trail of Tears. I did not own a slave, nor do I condone slavery.

Judge me for what I have done, not for what individuals whom I am not and have never been (purposefully) affiliated with have done.

America is full of ugliness, but it is also full of beauty. It's much the same in every country. When I see posts full of hatred for Americans, I can't help but wonder if individuals of other nationalities forget about the ugliness in their own countries. I have seen firsthand how some citizens of England talk down to the Muslims who live here. I have read all about the atrocities that Russian homosexuals have had to deal with because of their government. Even Canada (which is full of a lot of decent, wonderful people, I know, as I have a very amazing and fantastic friend who is Canadian) has its share of serial killers. Has Spain forgotten how they conquered the Incans and the Aztecs? Have the Germans forgotten Hitler's cruelty?

Have I struck a nerve yet? Is someone out there going, "But that isn't me! I didn't do any of those things!" So it is much the same with me. Can you understand where I'm coming from, now?

The truth of the matter is this: Every single country has its own ups and downs. America is no exception, but neither is anywhere else. America is full of bigotry and ignorance and racism, but so is everywhere else. I do not associate with individuals like that. I choose not to.

There is ugliness everywhere in the world, around every single corner. The trick is to find the beauty in places (no matter where you are), and to hold onto it.

Don't let it go.
Last of Us - Save You

This is Long, and Public, and I'm not Putting it Behind a Cut--Holding on, and Letting Go

Vemod. It is a Swedish word, and it means, “a tender sadness or pensive melancholy; the calm feeling that something emotionally significant is over and never will be back.”

I feel this, amongst a number of other feelings (some easy to describe, some impossible to touch) when I think about the past. In particular, things that I have lost. People that I have lost. It is said that the people who are meant to be in your life will either remain, or will find their way back, and the people that are no longer in your life simply aren't meant to be in it any longer. I think I'd like to believe this. I'd like to believe that the people that have left my life along the way simply aren't meant to be in my life, and simply don't appreciate me as they should. Thinking this way sometimes makes things a little easier to handle, but it's just a bandaid over a wound. A silly facade. People that I used to care for and people that used to care for me are no longer in my life for a reason, and sometimes I ponder far too much over the “reasons”. I have been told I shouldn't do this, that in the end it doesn't matter. I guess it doesn't, because it doesn't bring these people back to me. It doesn't suddenly make them care about me. However, I have always been one to ponder over everything, to worry over everything, to ask the “whys” and the “how comes”.

The thing with Zhen, my ex best friend... all of it... everything that has happened... it is all still fresh in my mind like it happened yesterday. I still remember her not telling me Happy Birthday in 2010 and her ignoring my wish for her to have a Happy Birthday in November of that year... she ignored it. There was a lot of ignoring going on on her part that year, and she didn't come see me for Christmas like she always did. She didn't send me a present (not that I cared about that, really), or even a card. In January of 2011 she finally told me that she was tired of pretending to be happy for me after I had written her a heartfelt letter. She told me that she couldn't be friends with me anymore. I couldn't help but wonder how someone could throw fourteen years of friendship away like it was nothing, like that. I felt broken. In a sense, I still feel broken. I don't know if this is normal. Probably not.

And then began the nightmare of her cyber-stalking me, and bothering my friends, and doing all sorts of odd things, including hacking into my Livejournal account, my email account, and my Twitter account. It is because of her pestering that I actually reconnected with someone else whom I had walked away from in the past, and I am grateful for that, but... there are limits, you know? There was also a point in which she exposed the lies that someone else was telling about me, and that person walked out of my life, but that was fine. I was grateful to her for that as well. However, I got so tired of the stalking and that she would impersonate others and she even created an email account pretending to be my husband and emailed other people. She kept trying to either be friends with my friends, or kept trying to win them over or... I don't even know. I don't claim to understand the inner workings of her mind at that time. Perhaps she was feeling anguish and turmoil as well, and she was just dealing with it all in an odd way.

I finally threatened to call the police if she didn't stop. And then, for a while, everything was blissfully quiet. But it wasn't over, not for me. I thought about her frequently, wondered how she was doing, that sort of thing. And then I broke down and emailed her before we were sent over here. That's when she apologized to me for everything and informed that she was getting married in October of this year (I emailed her in July, I think). I was legitimately happy for her. I was glad that we weren't on these horrible terms with each other.

I guess I thought somewhere along the way that it would be like a new starting point for us, and I stupidly figured that we could be best friends again. I think, deep down inside, this is what I hoped for even though I knew that it wasn't going to happen. Talking to her... it felt like I was talking to a complete stranger. This wasn't the Zhen that I knew... not the one that was my best friend or the crazy, irrational one that had stalked me for months and months. I feel stupid for wanting things to go back to the way they were, but when everything is changing and feels like it's falling apart around you, you kind of long for the familiar. You reach out blindly for something and grasp it even though you know that you can't hold on to it.

I wished her well, but again, it was like I was talking to a stranger. She said nothing about wanting to rekindle our lost friendship. She said nothing about wanting to start over, or anything like that. And that was... well, I can't exactly say it was okay, but it was her decision I guess and I respected that.

On October 5th, I sent her an email telling her that I was happy for her and I hoped that her wedding would be as lovely as she had hoped, and that she would be happy with Wilson for the rest of her life. I have yet to hear anything back from her. I don't think I'm very surprised about this. For some reason, though, it saddens me. I know it sounds ridiculous, just as all of my thoughts of reconciliation even though I know better. I knew better than to email her in the first place, after everything. But I did it.

I remember this picture very well. I remember when we took it—right outside of the Tokio Hotel concert in Atlanta in 2008. Those were the good times between us. I remember Daddy driving her home and I sat in the backseat with her and put my head in her lap and she just stroked my hair and held my hand. That was the kind of friend she was. If I was having a bad day, she wouldn't demand me to talk about it if she were there with me. She would just hold my hand or pet my hair or put her head on my shoulder or she would hook her arm through mine and we'd go walking. And then she turned into someone I didn't know anymore, but I still remember all the good times. I remember the bad times too but I try not to think about those too much. I miss her, still. I miss our friendship.

Last year, when I had things going on with Zhen (the stalking, etc.) and then was being told by a few people that I was “too straight” or “not lesbian enough” to belong in the LGBT group, and received shit for finding nothing wrong with heterosexuality and got accused of having a “straight agenda” even though I'm not straight... I think I hit some sort of wall. I had had enough, and I blew up in a long entry about my sexuality. That entry is still here and is still very much public, because I am not at all ashamed of my sexuality or afraid to stand up for it. I needed to vent, and I did, and I felt immensely better for it. However, I made someone else very angry at me and apparently ashamed to know me. I will admit I am not proud of some of the things I said to her in our argument. I'm not proud of how childish I acted, but I do not take back anything I said in that entry, because at that time, I needed to say it, no matter how “rude” or “raging” or “bitter” it sounded. Because that is how I was feeling at the time. I was hurt and had been dealing with being pushed around by people I thought actually gave a crap about me for a while and I had had enough. I exploded. And because of that, I lost someone. That someone vowed to delete me from their life and never think of me again. She deleted every journal entry for me, every single mention of me, and for all I know, she hasn't thought of me even once since. And in its own way, that hurts too. If she hated me, at least I would know that she still thinks about me on some level. Maybe she knew that was the worst way she could hurt me. To forget about me. Well, she won.

That's the thing with Zhen. I remember so many things that I am sure she has forgotten. The funny thing is that while she was doing all this horrible stuff to me and treating me like crap and stalking me and impersonating me and hacking into my journal and stuff... at least I know that then she was still thinking of me. She was checking up on me in her own ridiculously twisted way at that time. She still cared if you can call it that. Now... I bet she doesn't think of me at all. That last email from her It was a farewell, I bet. A sort of closure for us. Maybe I should be happy about it, but I just feel resigned and morose over the whole ordeal. Vemond. She's not coming back. Our friendship is not coming back, and I've accepted that even though I'm very nostalgic and keep one eye on the past. That's no way to live, though, is it? But how do you move on from something like that? How do you forget it? How do you fill that hole in your heart? The girl that was my best friend isn't dead, but she's gone. I've still suffered an immense loss, and it feels even worse than death in a sense because I don't know her anymore, and this is so utterly significant but so insanely pitiful and I realize this. I know this. I need no one to tell me how stupid I am.

I have very few people in my life that I feel close to. Very few people left, that is. Again, I would like to return to that little saying that the people who are meant to be in your life will stay and that I shouldn't be sad over the people who leave me because they aren't meant to be in my life anymore, blah, blah, blah. But again, that is just one of those things to make me temporarily feel better. Another thing I used to tell myself is that I didn't have much time for a social life, working twelve-hour night shifts, which was true, but still sounds like just an excuse, right? In reality, I almost constantly wonder if I'm just not worth anyone's time anymore. Just like nine years ago, I wake up these days wondering who is going to abandon me next. Who am I going to push away? Kim? Maia? Rinoa? Jeremy?

So I make these mad scrambles to hold onto everyone that I have left. I have extreme moments in which emotions just pour out and I am helpless to stop the flow, and there's just an outpouring of words that may be sappy and may be stupid and I think some of my friends have no idea how to react to it. Sometimes I don't even think my poor husband knows how to react to it except to hold me, and that's okay. I don't know how to react to myself sometimes.

Maybe, though, in my holding on, I'm just shoving people away all the same. I don't know.

I feel this need to reconnect with people. To tell them that I'm sorry for whatever stupid thing I have said or done in the past to cause our friendship to dissolve. But that is also pretty dumb, right? I mean, if we have nothing in common anymore, of course they aren't going to have any reason to talk to me. Maybe I've burned all my bridges simply by being me, and well, doesn't that suck?

Maybe you think I should be happy with what I have. And you know, I honestly am happy with those who are in my life. I do have friends who genuinely care about me for whatever unknown reason, and I have a wonderful husband who cuddles me and lays awake in bed with me talking about everything and nothing. He loves me unconditionally, and I know that. I cannot even begin to put into words how very lucky I am, and if I could see myself like he sees me, I think I would be much happier with me.

I'm selfish and I'm greedy, and I don't need anyone to tell me this, either. I don't seem to want to let people go, even when I should, and I seem to want them back in my life, even when I shouldn't.

I have a relatively new friend who is sweet and bubbly and funny. She's Asian and she's pretty and we have quite a few things in common. I don't want to get terribly close to her because she's being stationed in Korea in a few months, and I know that if I get close to her, I won't tolerate her departure very well. At the same time, I kind of want to cling to her and ask her not to go (which is dumb) because she is (almost) my only friend here.

I think my issue there, though, is that I may be subconsciously trying to replace something (and someone) that can never be replaced. If I let myself do that, it'll be like watching two friends walk away from me, when she goes. God, I really am an idiot. I'm pathetic, and I'm stupid, and I know this. I have problems. I cannot possibly be mentally healthy. Talk about irony, seeing as I am a nurse and have worked with many patients with psychiatric disorders.

When I look at myself, really look at myself, I realize that even though I have a wonderful career (no job here yet, though, I know, I know) and I'm living in England (many Americans don't even get to visit here), and I have the absolute best husband anyone could ever ask for and I have fantastic family and wonderful friends... the truth of the matter is that I've just been standing here, watching people walk away from me whilst I remain stagnant, rotting, and rooted (in a sense).

Suspended in time, struggling to hold onto things and people that no longer wish to be held onto. At least, not by me. In essence, sand and/or water slipping through my fingers. Unsurprising, really. Because honestly, do I deserve any better?

Might as well pluck petals for that question.

Yes I do

No I don't

Yes I do

No I don't.

I'm working on this. I really am. It's just hard, some days.

(Most days. More days than I care to count.)

But this is me. I am not remarkable, or beautiful, or perfect. I am apparently not wonderful friend material. I am human. I am loved, and I know this. I can be selfish. I can be bitter. I can get very angry when pushed to my limit. I can be clingy.

“Letting go isn't a one-time thing. It's something you have to do over and over again—every day.”

I'm trying. I'm really, really trying. And maybe that's all I can ask of myself these days.
Death Note - L eating

The Last of Us Review - Public Just Because

I've quit my job. In less than a month, I will be moving overseas with my husband. Instead of talking about all the stress and all my terror involving this, I will instead give you the first proper review I've ever done of a game that more than deserves it.

I'm reviewing The Last of Us. It's a game exclusively for the PS3, and if you have a PS3, I highly recommend buying this game and giving it a try. Even if you don't have a PS3, I'd say that shelling out the money for it just to play this game would be worth the money spent.

I'm going to try to do this by spoiling as little as possible.

First, I'll start with the "simple" stuff, because as soon as I start talking about the story, I'm going to blabber forever. I know I will.

Fantastic, A+++ graphics. They are mind-blowingly beautiful. Even when it comes to the dark, desolate parts/areas of this game, the graphics still somehow manage to be beautiful. The transition between gameplay and cutscenes is smooth, and even the animations during the fight scenes is really really good (you get to choose to be up close and personal with enemies, and the animation for finishing moves is wow).

I mean, really, guys, take a look at this:

The scenery is breathtaking. Often, it helps to set the mood of the situation. And sometimes while I was playing, I couldn't help but stop and admire the surroundings, even with dozens of infected rushing at my character (usually resulted in me getting myself killed but hey).

Your character(s) can die in various ways throughout the game, too... if you don't do things correctly, that is. Death scenes in this game are brutal in general. Lots of blood splatter and lots of gore. Very appropriate for the type of game it is.

The composer has this wonderful way of taking one song and changing it up a little to create something entirely different. The music can be beautiful, and it can also be heart-wrenching, and it can also make you even more tense than you already are while playing. I don't know what else to say except each song definitely compliments/completes what's going on in the game at the time it plays.

A little bit like the Fear series. One thing, though: ammo is scarce, so use it only when you absolutely have to. Using your gun(s) alerts other enemies to your presence, which usually makes getting through a certain scene/level more difficult than it has to be. Of course, you can go rushing in with your guns blazing and your lead pipe (to beat the shit out of folks) at the ready, but I don't recommend it.

If you want to come out of fights without using a health pack or two, I recommend learning how to be stealthy and trying your best to be super patient. It's kind of easy at first but becomes much more difficult as you go on. Stealth kills are your best friends, and when those are impossible, use the damn bow and arrows to your advantage. There's also these lovely things called molotovs and, a little later on, nail bombs. They may not always save your ass entirely, but they'll give you enough time to run the hell away, hide elsewhere, and regroup.

I'm neither patient when it comes to combat, nor great at being stealthy. That changed when I started playing this. It's possible to go through this game with the gung-ho shoot them all approach, I suppose, but again... I don't recommend it. There are other methods at your disposal--methods which do not use precious ammo (which I promise you will need towards the end of the game). Use those methods.

Or don't. It's entirely your choice. XD I, however, tried to be as patient and stealthy as I could be (it became very difficult sometimes).

Sometimes, bricks and bottles are your best friends. Distracting the enemy is often the key to getting out of a fight alive.

You wind up with a good amount of weapons at your disposal if you go out exploring, and the upgrade system reminds me a little of Tomb Raider and/or Dead Island. You use supplements to upgrade Joel's maximum health and listen mode distance and weapon sway. These are all pretty important. You can also craft weapons like nail bombs and shivs and melee weapons and molotovs. You can craft health packs as well. Melee weapons break after so many uses, which is understandable.

Sometimes the AI is a little wonky. Also, it's amazing how the zombies never see Ellie despite the less-than-graceful running around she does. You can definitely be spotted, though, so when there is a need to stealth through an area, don't get cocky.

Even though I got frustrated with this game at times (not the game's fault--my own for not being able to keep from getting caught), I still thoroughly enjoyed myself. It was very, very fun.

This trailer doesn't even begin to cover the depths of this game:

No single description of this game can even begin to truly describe it. I can say that it's a zombie game, which is kind of true, but also not. I can say that it's a survival game, which is true, but also not fully the truth. This game is emotionally-driven and character-driven, and most of the story takes place during the non-interactive cutscenes. The voice acting is flawless, and to give props to the animation of this game once more, I will say that years of unspoken words are shared through mere glances and you know what is being said even when it's not being said at all.

This game is about two people who don't quite fit together, but they really do. You have Joel, a nearly-middle-aged guy who has been given the task of smuggling a girl, Ellie - a fourteen-year-old girl who has been bitten but cannot get infected - to a group of soldier=like and revolutionary-like individuals called the Fireflies. Your enemies along the way are the military, the infected (zombies), and bandits. There are others, but I'm trying not to spoil anything here.

Despite the zombies, this story is very human. Very directed towards your emotions. If you have played this game and you did not get teary-eyed, cry, rejoice, and get incredibly angry at certain parts, you are either a liar or you have no heart whatsoever.

Naughty Dog does not hesitate to rip your heart out, either, right from the very beginning. This is in the intro, guys. The intro:

(It's a bit long, but worth the watch).

This game does not shy away from death, which is one of the main reasons why you're left worrying about Joel and Ellie.

And the funny thing? Joel is not the most moral person in the world. The game doesn't neglect to remind us of this several times. He's killed innocent people in the past, and yet you sympathize with him. As he grows to love this little girl and she grows to love him, you start to root for them. This is Joel's second chance to be a father, and despite the shit you know he must have done after he lost Sarah, you still want the guy to be happy. To take care of Ellie.

Ellie does some growing up of her own during the course of this game. She proves more than once that she can handle herself, but you still want Joel to protect her anyway. I think she still wants him there too, even when she doesn't necessarily need him to be.

By the time you reach your destination, realization hits you full-force, and it's terrifying. It's that shadow that's been following you around this whole time--the "what if this happens?" Joel is left with a choice, and for what it's worth, I honestly think he made the right one. People are throwing around words like "selfish", but I don't think it was really selfish at all, per se. I guess it all depends on how you look at it.

The ending is definitely a bit of a cliff-hanger, but that's okay, really. I hear it's going to be a series, and if it is, I can't wait.

Beautiful, heart-wrenching, sob-inducing, sometimes-dismal (and then uplifting) game. It's about love. It's about family. It's about sticking together and enduring and surviving. It's about loss and it's about friendship. It's about the loss of innocence and it's about second chances. And oh, there's zombies, too.

I give this game a 10/10. Hands-down the best game I have played in a really long time, if not the best game I've ever played, period.

"No matter what, you keep finding something to fight for." - Joel.


Now I have a mighty need to have a Joel and Ellie layout. I think I'll get started on that.
FFVII - Big Happy Family

Do This For Me~

So, it looks like that whole England thing is happening after all. Which means that there's so much to do and little time to do it. August may seem a little far away to you guys, but it's not. Not at all. We've got to be out of this house and in temporary housing here by the 24th of July to my understanding. Which is fine, I guess. Just... getting everything ready. That's going to be the big deal.

I'm quitting my job the 28th of this month. I can't say I'll miss it terribly.

And now, to distract me from stress, I want you guys to do something for me. It's a meme of sorts, I suppose. See below:

Comment here and tell me about love (mostly because I am a mushy person). Your current love, a past love. An unrequited love. The love of your life. The love you wish would have lasted, but didn't. Tell me about your soul mate. Tell me about the person you're in love with, but terrified to admit it to. Tell me about the relationship you have with the person you've loved for years. Tell me about the person who loved you, but you couldn't love them back. Anything along these lines. You can even ask the same of me, if you like, in a comment (but you can't expect me to share without sharing back~~~). Anonymous commenting is on, so use that if you so desire. Just share with me your stories of love, friends. :)