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13 November 2013 @ 09:07 am
This is Long, and Public, and I'm not Putting it Behind a Cut--Holding on, and Letting Go  
Vemod. It is a Swedish word, and it means, “a tender sadness or pensive melancholy; the calm feeling that something emotionally significant is over and never will be back.”

I feel this, amongst a number of other feelings (some easy to describe, some impossible to touch) when I think about the past. In particular, things that I have lost. People that I have lost. It is said that the people who are meant to be in your life will either remain, or will find their way back, and the people that are no longer in your life simply aren't meant to be in it any longer. I think I'd like to believe this. I'd like to believe that the people that have left my life along the way simply aren't meant to be in my life, and simply don't appreciate me as they should. Thinking this way sometimes makes things a little easier to handle, but it's just a bandaid over a wound. A silly facade. People that I used to care for and people that used to care for me are no longer in my life for a reason, and sometimes I ponder far too much over the “reasons”. I have been told I shouldn't do this, that in the end it doesn't matter. I guess it doesn't, because it doesn't bring these people back to me. It doesn't suddenly make them care about me. However, I have always been one to ponder over everything, to worry over everything, to ask the “whys” and the “how comes”.

The thing with Zhen, my ex best friend... all of it... everything that has happened... it is all still fresh in my mind like it happened yesterday. I still remember her not telling me Happy Birthday in 2010 and her ignoring my wish for her to have a Happy Birthday in November of that year... she ignored it. There was a lot of ignoring going on on her part that year, and she didn't come see me for Christmas like she always did. She didn't send me a present (not that I cared about that, really), or even a card. In January of 2011 she finally told me that she was tired of pretending to be happy for me after I had written her a heartfelt letter. She told me that she couldn't be friends with me anymore. I couldn't help but wonder how someone could throw fourteen years of friendship away like it was nothing, like that. I felt broken. In a sense, I still feel broken. I don't know if this is normal. Probably not.

And then began the nightmare of her cyber-stalking me, and bothering my friends, and doing all sorts of odd things, including hacking into my Livejournal account, my email account, and my Twitter account. It is because of her pestering that I actually reconnected with someone else whom I had walked away from in the past, and I am grateful for that, but... there are limits, you know? There was also a point in which she exposed the lies that someone else was telling about me, and that person walked out of my life, but that was fine. I was grateful to her for that as well. However, I got so tired of the stalking and that she would impersonate others and she even created an email account pretending to be my husband and emailed other people. She kept trying to either be friends with my friends, or kept trying to win them over or... I don't even know. I don't claim to understand the inner workings of her mind at that time. Perhaps she was feeling anguish and turmoil as well, and she was just dealing with it all in an odd way.

I finally threatened to call the police if she didn't stop. And then, for a while, everything was blissfully quiet. But it wasn't over, not for me. I thought about her frequently, wondered how she was doing, that sort of thing. And then I broke down and emailed her before we were sent over here. That's when she apologized to me for everything and informed that she was getting married in October of this year (I emailed her in July, I think). I was legitimately happy for her. I was glad that we weren't on these horrible terms with each other.

I guess I thought somewhere along the way that it would be like a new starting point for us, and I stupidly figured that we could be best friends again. I think, deep down inside, this is what I hoped for even though I knew that it wasn't going to happen. Talking to her... it felt like I was talking to a complete stranger. This wasn't the Zhen that I knew... not the one that was my best friend or the crazy, irrational one that had stalked me for months and months. I feel stupid for wanting things to go back to the way they were, but when everything is changing and feels like it's falling apart around you, you kind of long for the familiar. You reach out blindly for something and grasp it even though you know that you can't hold on to it.

I wished her well, but again, it was like I was talking to a stranger. She said nothing about wanting to rekindle our lost friendship. She said nothing about wanting to start over, or anything like that. And that was... well, I can't exactly say it was okay, but it was her decision I guess and I respected that.

On October 5th, I sent her an email telling her that I was happy for her and I hoped that her wedding would be as lovely as she had hoped, and that she would be happy with Wilson for the rest of her life. I have yet to hear anything back from her. I don't think I'm very surprised about this. For some reason, though, it saddens me. I know it sounds ridiculous, just as all of my thoughts of reconciliation even though I know better. I knew better than to email her in the first place, after everything. But I did it.

I remember this picture very well. I remember when we took it—right outside of the Tokio Hotel concert in Atlanta in 2008. Those were the good times between us. I remember Daddy driving her home and I sat in the backseat with her and put my head in her lap and she just stroked my hair and held my hand. That was the kind of friend she was. If I was having a bad day, she wouldn't demand me to talk about it if she were there with me. She would just hold my hand or pet my hair or put her head on my shoulder or she would hook her arm through mine and we'd go walking. And then she turned into someone I didn't know anymore, but I still remember all the good times. I remember the bad times too but I try not to think about those too much. I miss her, still. I miss our friendship.

Last year, when I had things going on with Zhen (the stalking, etc.) and then was being told by a few people that I was “too straight” or “not lesbian enough” to belong in the LGBT group, and received shit for finding nothing wrong with heterosexuality and got accused of having a “straight agenda” even though I'm not straight... I think I hit some sort of wall. I had had enough, and I blew up in a long entry about my sexuality. That entry is still here and is still very much public, because I am not at all ashamed of my sexuality or afraid to stand up for it. I needed to vent, and I did, and I felt immensely better for it. However, I made someone else very angry at me and apparently ashamed to know me. I will admit I am not proud of some of the things I said to her in our argument. I'm not proud of how childish I acted, but I do not take back anything I said in that entry, because at that time, I needed to say it, no matter how “rude” or “raging” or “bitter” it sounded. Because that is how I was feeling at the time. I was hurt and had been dealing with being pushed around by people I thought actually gave a crap about me for a while and I had had enough. I exploded. And because of that, I lost someone. That someone vowed to delete me from their life and never think of me again. She deleted every journal entry for me, every single mention of me, and for all I know, she hasn't thought of me even once since. And in its own way, that hurts too. If she hated me, at least I would know that she still thinks about me on some level. Maybe she knew that was the worst way she could hurt me. To forget about me. Well, she won.

That's the thing with Zhen. I remember so many things that I am sure she has forgotten. The funny thing is that while she was doing all this horrible stuff to me and treating me like crap and stalking me and impersonating me and hacking into my journal and stuff... at least I know that then she was still thinking of me. She was checking up on me in her own ridiculously twisted way at that time. She still cared if you can call it that. Now... I bet she doesn't think of me at all. That last email from her It was a farewell, I bet. A sort of closure for us. Maybe I should be happy about it, but I just feel resigned and morose over the whole ordeal. Vemond. She's not coming back. Our friendship is not coming back, and I've accepted that even though I'm very nostalgic and keep one eye on the past. That's no way to live, though, is it? But how do you move on from something like that? How do you forget it? How do you fill that hole in your heart? The girl that was my best friend isn't dead, but she's gone. I've still suffered an immense loss, and it feels even worse than death in a sense because I don't know her anymore, and this is so utterly significant but so insanely pitiful and I realize this. I know this. I need no one to tell me how stupid I am.

I have very few people in my life that I feel close to. Very few people left, that is. Again, I would like to return to that little saying that the people who are meant to be in your life will stay and that I shouldn't be sad over the people who leave me because they aren't meant to be in my life anymore, blah, blah, blah. But again, that is just one of those things to make me temporarily feel better. Another thing I used to tell myself is that I didn't have much time for a social life, working twelve-hour night shifts, which was true, but still sounds like just an excuse, right? In reality, I almost constantly wonder if I'm just not worth anyone's time anymore. Just like nine years ago, I wake up these days wondering who is going to abandon me next. Who am I going to push away? Kim? Maia? Rinoa? Jeremy?

So I make these mad scrambles to hold onto everyone that I have left. I have extreme moments in which emotions just pour out and I am helpless to stop the flow, and there's just an outpouring of words that may be sappy and may be stupid and I think some of my friends have no idea how to react to it. Sometimes I don't even think my poor husband knows how to react to it except to hold me, and that's okay. I don't know how to react to myself sometimes.

Maybe, though, in my holding on, I'm just shoving people away all the same. I don't know.

I feel this need to reconnect with people. To tell them that I'm sorry for whatever stupid thing I have said or done in the past to cause our friendship to dissolve. But that is also pretty dumb, right? I mean, if we have nothing in common anymore, of course they aren't going to have any reason to talk to me. Maybe I've burned all my bridges simply by being me, and well, doesn't that suck?

Maybe you think I should be happy with what I have. And you know, I honestly am happy with those who are in my life. I do have friends who genuinely care about me for whatever unknown reason, and I have a wonderful husband who cuddles me and lays awake in bed with me talking about everything and nothing. He loves me unconditionally, and I know that. I cannot even begin to put into words how very lucky I am, and if I could see myself like he sees me, I think I would be much happier with me.

I'm selfish and I'm greedy, and I don't need anyone to tell me this, either. I don't seem to want to let people go, even when I should, and I seem to want them back in my life, even when I shouldn't.

I have a relatively new friend who is sweet and bubbly and funny. She's Asian and she's pretty and we have quite a few things in common. I don't want to get terribly close to her because she's being stationed in Korea in a few months, and I know that if I get close to her, I won't tolerate her departure very well. At the same time, I kind of want to cling to her and ask her not to go (which is dumb) because she is (almost) my only friend here.

I think my issue there, though, is that I may be subconsciously trying to replace something (and someone) that can never be replaced. If I let myself do that, it'll be like watching two friends walk away from me, when she goes. God, I really am an idiot. I'm pathetic, and I'm stupid, and I know this. I have problems. I cannot possibly be mentally healthy. Talk about irony, seeing as I am a nurse and have worked with many patients with psychiatric disorders.

When I look at myself, really look at myself, I realize that even though I have a wonderful career (no job here yet, though, I know, I know) and I'm living in England (many Americans don't even get to visit here), and I have the absolute best husband anyone could ever ask for and I have fantastic family and wonderful friends... the truth of the matter is that I've just been standing here, watching people walk away from me whilst I remain stagnant, rotting, and rooted (in a sense).

Suspended in time, struggling to hold onto things and people that no longer wish to be held onto. At least, not by me. In essence, sand and/or water slipping through my fingers. Unsurprising, really. Because honestly, do I deserve any better?

Might as well pluck petals for that question.

Yes I do

No I don't

Yes I do

No I don't.

I'm working on this. I really am. It's just hard, some days.

(Most days. More days than I care to count.)

But this is me. I am not remarkable, or beautiful, or perfect. I am apparently not wonderful friend material. I am human. I am loved, and I know this. I can be selfish. I can be bitter. I can get very angry when pushed to my limit. I can be clingy.

“Letting go isn't a one-time thing. It's something you have to do over and over again—every day.”

I'm trying. I'm really, really trying. And maybe that's all I can ask of myself these days.
Ishkhanuhi (Ish): Transformation // _tehriahishkhanuhi on November 13th, 2013 05:27 pm (UTC)
Oh sweety... I started crying at work because I was reading this and I saw myself in a lot of what you were saying. I had a very similar experience in 2010 actually (what a shitty year that was!).

A very close friend of mine in college introduced me to a boy, and we dated and became close, but eventually he broke up with me, and took all of my friends - including her - with him. I was devastated for a long time... But losing her hurt far, far worse than it did to lose him. I spent many nights at her place. We did everything together. I even kept some groceries at her house.

And I had a lot of the same questions that you do now. I am very sorry you had to go through that with Zhen.

I still wonder about her sometimes, but if I didn't go through that horrible loss, if I didn't go through that depression then, I wouldn't have returned to Livejournal and writing fanfiction - where I met my current girlfriend. We've been dating for two and a half years now and in two months' time, I'm moving in with her. Emerging from the other end of this depression, I feel like a completely different person than I was at that time. Everything is different, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, or a good thing. It's just different.

It's a bitter lesson to learn in life, that people come and go, even the ones you don't want to. I'm very sorry that this has happened to you and that it's so negatively affected you. I'm just very glad you have your husband and others there to remind you of how much you're loved by others. :)

If you need someone to talk to, I am never but an email or IM away (AIM: Nefertiti789x). I know we've fallen out of touch a bit over time and we don't know each other very well, but I'm here for you regardless. :)

*big hugs*
Kagome: Last of Us - baby girlkagome_angel on November 13th, 2013 09:42 pm (UTC)
*LOVES ON YOU* I was honestly thinking that no-one would care to read this at all but you did and thank you so much for commenting. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

I remember us talking not long ago about our similar LGBT experiences. I had no clue that you also had to deal with shit from a close friend of yours. I'm so sorry that you've had this happen, and believe me, I know how you feel--how much it hurts and how sometimes that hurt will come out of nowhere to haunt you, even when you are perfectly happy.

For instance, I'm very happy with my hubby. I love him so much and am so lucky to have him in my life, but there are still times when missing her comes worming its way right into my little cocoon of happiness and I wind up in tears, clinging to my husband because, after all this time, I still pitifully miss her and I still want my best friend back.

I have to say, I am so, so thrilled for you and your girlfriend. I remember reading in your journal when you first mentioned her, and when you admitted to loving her, and when you would say it was hard because it was long-distance... Oh, I am so happy for you. So many congratulations to the both of you. Your journey has only just begun, really, and I know that you know it won't always be beautiful. You won't always agree on everything, and you are going to fight and cry and get angry sometimes, but you know what? You love each other, and you're gonna work through it. I have nothing but faith in you and again, I am so damn happy for you because honey, after all the crap you have been through over these years, you more than deserve it. <33333

Thank you so much for the offer honey. I don't use AIM very often because I hate it, but I have got email and Skype (lindsey.taylor.9883) and I have this neat little doodad app on my phone called Kik (I am kagome_angel on it), aaaaannnddd Twitter (kagomeangel). So there are lots of ways to contact me if you would like to do so. Thank you, thank you. You really have no idea how much your reaching out to me means.

*hugs tightly*
Ishkhanuhi (Ish)ishkhanuhi on November 14th, 2013 12:59 am (UTC)
Oh, I read it all, hon. From beginning to end. I couldn't stop reading it. I was looking it over at work, and I started tearing up, because I kept reading line after line that I identified with on a very deep, painful level, especially:

"I wake up these days wondering who is going to abandon me next. Who am I going to push away?"

How many times have I said THOSE words to myself? How many times have I wondered why, WHYWHYWHY did she betray me? Does she miss me? Did she replace me with someone else by now?

Reading it all from you really affected me, because I thought, "Other people feel this, too. It's not just you!" and I started to grow emotional. So I wanted to thank you for that. :) *hugs*

It also hurt me to hear that you'd felt these horrible feelings, too. Feeling abandoned isn't something I would wish on anyone else. There isn't a more empty feeling. So I felt very sad and compassionate for you, and I hoped that hearing from me and knowing you can reach out to me any time you need it would help you in some way. *biggest hugs*

You are so sweet, Kagome. :) My girlfriend has had the unfortunate luck of having to directly deal with my baggage from this experience. It took two years of abandonment issues for me to realize that she's not going anywhere, and that I was deserving of a love this amazing. I feel a lot more relaxed and comfortable with how my life is going now. Even if I don't have many friends right now, my companion is at my side, and I can do anything. And she really has given me the courage to do EVERYTHING. Even jet ski in the Bahamas when I didn't know how to swim. I become so badass when I am with her! :)

I still occasionally reflect on the past, and the people I've lost as well, and then I start damaging habits like poking around their facebooks to see if they're doing well. I try not to. It's not helping anybody. Keep reminding yourself to focus on your life and your happiness, because if you don't, then who will?

Sometimes we have to do things we don't like just because it's good for us. *hugs* :)

My heart and my sympathies are with you right now, hon. Hope this message finds you well. XOXO Take care!
Kagome: Black Butler - Offering Comfortkagome_angel on November 14th, 2013 11:03 am (UTC)
I am so sorry that my words cause you to get emotional like that. As much as I hate that you had to go through something similar, it's kind of comforting to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way, who has had someone so dear to me hurt me so deeply.

Thank you for reaching out, and for sharing your own experience with me, although I know on some level it had to be a bit painful to bring those memories back to the forefront of your mind and I am sorry for that.

I'm so glad your girlfriend has been able to help you see how wonderful you are and has helped you trust again. My hubby has done the same for me... he sees me in this wonderful light. He doesn't see me as an angel or as a perfect person, but the perfect person for him, if that makes sense. He thinks I am beautiful and kind and courageous and he gives me so much more credit than I did to myself. Sometimes I cannot help but worry that one day he will get tired of me and will go, because if my best friend of fourteen years could abandon me so easily, couldn't he, too? Even though he's been by my side for nearly a decade?

But he is always quick to correct me. "I married you," he'll say. "And that's forever."

I know what you mean about those damaging habits. Sometimes I will go through old emails and chat logs, etc. Sometimes I will glance at journals and twitters, and Facebook accounts, things like that. Which really makes me no better than Zhen, in a sense, even though I don't torment people whilst I peruse and reminisce.

We do need to focus on our own happiness, I think. I tend to put others' happiness before my own, and then when I put myself first, it's inevitable that someone walks out of my life. Just my luck, I guess. I try not to dwell, but sometimes it's really hard not to.

I'm feeling much better emotionally since I made this post. :) Thank you for reaching out to me. Thank you so much for your concern. You have no idea how much it means to me. <333
Ishkhanuhi (Ish): Armful of Ritsukas // harukamiishkhanuhi on November 15th, 2013 07:10 pm (UTC)
Don't apologize for that. :) I grew emotional because, just as you said, it comforted me to hear that others knew how I felt. I don't feel as pained when I talk about Brooke anymore - more angry than anything - but when I think about how good my life is now, I try not to worry myself with such feelings. They don't mean anything anymore in the context of my current situation. It makes no sense to give those hurtful feelings power by remembering them and letting them re-hurt me.

He doesn't see me as an angel or as a perfect person, but the perfect person for him

That makes perfect sense. ^^ My girlfriend sees me in the same way. We are both clearly flawed and each have our own demons that we're conquering, but we couldn't have found a more perfect complement for one another. :) Even the tiniest things that I once thought, "It'd be nice if I found someone who liked this, but it's not a requirement," she likes! It's almost unbelievable that she exists. :)

I tend to put others' happiness before my own

As long as your husband puts your happiness before his own too, both of you will end up happy and content! It evens out. :) That's the way, I think, relationships should be. Your partner's happiness and welfare should be paramount on your mind. If both of you feel that way, then both partners come out contented, and nothing's left to be desired.

Too many other couples I know of are self-serving and do things with the intent to hurt one another. That is completely backwards logic to me...
Kagome: Black Butler - contemplativekagome_angel on November 17th, 2013 01:27 am (UTC)
You know, I think I went through all of that backwards from you... like... instead of being angry (which was what I was for a long time), now I'm just sad and empty-feeling about the whole idea, and along with it is just this knowledge that what we had is never going to come back.

Haha, yes! That is exactly how Jeremy and I are! He will even watch girly shit with me and he likes it too even though he wouldn't admit it to anyone else aside from me. Ooops. I just told on him. Haha.

I agree completely. What's the point of hurting one another in a relationship? People do it on purpose, too, and that's just awful. :(
Ishkhanuhi (Ish): Tat & Eiri Remix // icon by meishkhanuhi on November 17th, 2013 12:23 pm (UTC)
I understand. :) I just hope your sadness passes soon, because I know that feeling, too, and it's a hard place to be. If it helps, use mantras every day until you can scare it off: "I'm a good person. I'm a great friend. People desire my company. There's nothing wrong with me."

I promise I won't tell anyone. O:-3

I can't even fathom hurting my girlfriend on purpose. If I feel I've done something wrong and she is hurting because of it, I feel like my world crashes down around me, and I carry such a heavy heart until I can somehow fix it and get her smiling again.

Hope this message finds you well, Kagome! I'm thinking of you and hoping you're in better spirits with your loved ones this weekend. :) *big snuggles*
Kagome: FMA - Ling and Lan Fankagome_angel on November 19th, 2013 10:00 am (UTC)
It definitely is, but I have truly been feeling better since I blathered on about all of this. :)

Haha, thank you. <3

I'm the same way, when it comes to hurting anyone I am close to, really. I don't like upsetting people, and I certainly don't try to hurt people on purpose. There are some exceptions, I guess. Like when I'm very hurt or angry and lash out, and I know that's not good. :( I have done this in the past, though not to Jeremy.

I'm doing quite well. Did some shopping yesterday. :D
Ishkhanuhi (Ish)ishkhanuhi on November 21st, 2013 10:58 am (UTC)
Shopping really helps the mood. ^^ ! I'm glad you're feeling better, Kagome. XOXO

I'm flying out tonight to spend Thanksgiving with my lady in Holland, so I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving! *big hugs* You take care of yourself! I'm bringing my computer along but it may be touch and go with the communication for a bit.

MWAH! I'll talk to you soon! ^^
Kagomekagome_angel on November 26th, 2013 10:22 am (UTC)
I hope you are having an amazing time sweetheart! ♥♥♥♥ Are there any pictures of you two together? I would love to seeeeeee!
(Deleted comment)
Kagome: FFXIII - Hold my handkagome_angel on November 13th, 2013 09:51 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry you can relate to this. I really am, because this feeling sucks and I wouldn't want anyone to go through it. I don't know what fixes this kind of pain, either, because it's a sort of emptiness that I don't know can be filled. Hollow and wrong-feeling, and while I can honestly say that some part of me feels at peace over all this (I guess it ought to after three years), sometimes that anguish is still very fresh and very much there. I think maybe it is always there, but I have gotten better at ignoring it. And when I focus on it, I feel so awful for doing so because I have so much to be thankful and grateful for.

At the same time, it's so difficult to just ignore a loss this immense.

I think, when you lose someone so important to you, that ache doesn't go away. Not really. Maybe sometimes it is easier to bear but I don't think it ever truly leaves us. I can tell you, too, that my (step)nephew died on November 26, 2006, and it's still very hard at times, especially when his birthday comes around, and the anniversary of his death. When we lose people important to us, through death or just through drifting apart, it's utterly painful and that pain doesn't just go away, I don't think, no matter how much time passes.

I don't have whatsapp but I do have Skype and I do have Twitter and email and Kik (on my phone). I promise to do better with keeping up with journaling too... Ugh, I'm so behind on reading entries and stuff. :(

You too, sweetheart. <3333
Synchrony: roxassynchroshatter on November 13th, 2013 11:09 pm (UTC)
I can completely identify with you on this one. The circumstances under which I lost my old best friend were somewhat different, but it still hurts, even now. I realised recently that I haven’t seen her in at least four years, maybe more. Even then, I was probably just clinging to the idea that our friendship might still exist in some form.

Now, of course, I have a completely different life. I’m generally pretty happy with who I am and what I do, and I have other friends; even another best friend. But then I come to write, and I realise that the best friend characters always seem to resemble this first friend. And I realise I’m still hurt by what she did.

I know what you mean about not feeling close to many people. Being told that those who walk away aren’t worth keeping around doesn’t always help, because it doesn’t tell you how to find the ones that will stay, right?

Maybe the pain about losing people won’t ever really go away completely, either for you or for me. But it can lessen over time, even if it takes years. Talking through it is always a good start though! And even though, yeah, you’re very lucky in a lot of things in life, you shouldn’t feel that that means you should ignore it if you’re hurting too. I’m around a fair bit, so let me know if I can help at all. :)
Kagome: Death Note - Mello Near puzzlekagome_angel on November 14th, 2013 11:24 am (UTC)
I have received messages from three people now who can relate to me, and I am both saddened by it and kind of relieved, in a sense. Not at all because I would ever want someone to feel this sort of anguish, but because I know I am not alone in feeling this way, and when you hurt like this... it really does mean a lot. You'd think that it wouldn't hurt so much after nearly three years, but it still does. I suppose because we'd somewhat recently been in contact and semi made amends, and stuff. I don't know if those were amends are just closure. Doesn't really feel like I have any closure.

I'm genuinely sorry that you have been through this sort of experience with someone you cared deeply for. It really sucks.

I'm so glad for you that you could move on, though, and make yourself another best friend. I honestly don't think anyone cares for me on that level except my husband--he is indeed my best friend. Of course, it isn't the same, but I have never expected it to be.

I think it is normal and okay to still be hurt by the actions of someone whom you cared for very much even years down the line. I mean, there was a deep friendship there, and there was trust, and it was all betrayed. I understand that. <333

Compared to several years ago, I don't have nearly as many online friends now as I did then, and that saddens me in a sense too. I know that it is normal for people to drift and such, but lately I've been wanting to just grasp at people that haven't talked to me in years, and I don't know if that's healthy or normal. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

Thanks so much for commenting on this entry, and for telling me that it is okay to hurt and to be nostalgic even though I have so much going for me now. It really means a lot to me, because it gives me a feeling of validation. I appreciate it so much. :) <3 And you know, I'm around too, so if you ever want to chat, I'm always either an email or a message away.
Nine: so much stronger than you thinkthe9muses on November 16th, 2013 11:46 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I'm so sorry I didn't reply to this post right away, honey. It makes me happy to see that you posted this because there's nothing worse than letting something like this fester in your heart. I'm proud of you. ♥

I sometimes find myself wondering about the same thing - lost friendships and whether they're worth rekindling or not. I can't say I'm proud of myself for how I dealt with those situations, because a lot of times, I was immature. I think even now, I find myself still wanting to take the childish route, but I'm so very tired and worn out by the drama that followed me from those days.

It doesn't make the pain hurt any less, and I know it is vain of me to think but...sometimes I wonder if they're hurt and feel that I walked out of their lives as much as I'm hurt and feel like they've walked out of mine. It's ridiculous and I have to keep shaking my head and say "Nope nope nope! Stop beating yourself up."

Sometimes, that's the only thing that can get me through the day.

I know this isn't much and I suck at reassuring people (that's always been one of my worst traits) but...I think about you all the time. And even if I don't often say it, you are important to me. ♥
Kagome: Death Note - Mello Near circlekagome_angel on November 17th, 2013 01:20 am (UTC)
*cuddles* As I said in my email to you, honey, I wasn't expecting a reply. You're dealing with something much more traumatic than my ridiculous insecurities and my emotional issues.

I will say, though, that I felt much better after posting this and then getting responses from others telling me that they know these feelings very well.

My own behavior with heated arguments with former friends from my past bugs me too sometimes, and I keep wondering if I should try to rekindle friendships with the people that I was so childish towards when we were fighting, but when I really think about it... I realize that these people and I had been drifting for a while before the arguments, etc. We probably wouldn't have anything in common anymore so I don't think there would be any reason why any of my ex friends would want to be friends with me again. So I think I will just be grateful for those I have. It's still hard, though, to not contemplate what/who was lost.

You know, I think it's normal to wonder if your absence from someone's life is as painful as theirs is from yours. Ugh, I probably worded that all weirdly. I apologize. I'm tired.

Honey, this is plenty. And you don't suck at reassuring me. <3 You are always on my mind as well; you're one of the best friends I have ever had and I am grateful on a daily basis to still have you in my life. I hope you know that you are so very important to me as well, and that if you ever need to talk about anything, ever, even if you think it's something silly (I won't think it's silly), I am always, always around, okay?

(Ignore the gratuitous use of commas. XD)